(TV) Staggeringly off topic - Bush's Latest Legal Action

["Michael Olcsvary" <olcsvary@icehouse.net>]

Just in off the AP wire.

(AUSTIN, TX (Dec.  7) - Attorneys for Texas Governor George W.  Bush filed
suit in federal court today, seeking to prevent Santa Claus from making
his list and then checking it twice.  The complaint seeks an immediate
injunction against the beloved Christmas icon, asking the court to
effectively ban
his traditional practice of checking the list of good boys and girls one
additional time before packing his sleigh.

The suit, filed in the Federal District Court of Austin, Texas, asks a
federal judge to "hereby order Mr.  Claus to cease and desist all repetitive
and duplicative list-checking activity, and certify the original list as
submitted, without amendment, alteration, deletion, or other unnecessary
modification."

"There are no standards for deciding who is naughty, and who is nice. It's
totally arbitrary and capricious.  How many more times does he need to
check? This checking, checking, and re-checking over and over again must
stop now," said former Secretary James Baker.

Baker further claimed that unnamed GOP observers witnessed an elf remove all
boys named Brad from the 'nice' list, filing them under 'naughty' instead
because "everyone knows all boys named Brad are brats."

Gov.  Bush cited the potential for unauthorized list tampering, and
blasted what he called the "fuzzy math up there at the North Pole."

"Their security is really awful, really bad," said Bush.  "My mother just
walked right in, told 'em she was Mrs.  Claus.  They didn't check her ID
or nothing."

Meanwhile, Dick Cheney, Gov.  Bush's running mate, issued a direct plea
to St.  Nick himself.  "Mr.  Claus, I call on you to do the honorable thing,
and
quit checking your list.  The children of the world have had enough. They
demand closure now," Cheney said, adding that his granddaughter has  already
selected a name for the pony that she's asked for.
The Rev.  Jesse Jackson was quick to respond to this latest development
with plans to lead protesters from Florida to the North Pole via dogsled.
The "Million Man Mush" is scheduled to depart Friday.  "We need red suits
and sleighs, not law suits and delays," Jackson said.

Santa Claus could not be reached for comment, but a spokes-elf said he
was "deeply distressed" by news of the pending legal action against him.
"He's losing weight, and he hasn't said 'Ho Ho Ho' for days," said the
spokes-elf.
"He's just not feeling jolly."


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