(TV) don henley strikes back at the industry. Is it real, or?

[Blumetakt@aol.com]

HITS Magazine ran photos of post Grammy label party scenes with Henley's
>face inserted into the shots. Here's what he sent to HITS......
>
>Dear Loathsome Trade Hacks,
>
> I was terribly amused by your series of fantasy scenarios detailing my
>supposed crawl through all the post-Grammy "company store" parties. In
>truth, I opted for a quiet, candlelit dinner with my beautiful wife at a
>seaside restaurant. You see, I didn't want to attend any of those
>sumptuous bashes and be the guy who ordered that one extra glass of
>champagne that shifted the delicate balance and sent the industry careening
>over the edge into the abyss of total bankruptcy (although Sony's music
>group shows a profit of $203 million for this past fiscal year).
>
>In retrospect, though, I probably should have made the scene and kissed
>some record-company ass. Perhaps I could have gotten my own label deal.
>Maybe, while standing there admiring the ice sculpture filled with shrimp,
>I would have had an epiphany, seen the light and been converted: There is
>no God, there is no government, there are no individuals. There is only THE
>CORPORATION. The sovereign, almighty, world governing Corporation-and we
>are all here to serve It.
>
>Having thus come to my senses, I, too, would then be able to sign fledgling
>artists to unconscionable, long-term contracts with all those juicy
>deduction clauses like the one for breakage that dates back to 1928, when
>the records were made of shellac and would shatter if dropped. Tried to
>break a CD lately? Why, you couldn't break one if you wedged it
>horizontally between Zach Horowitz's butt cheeks and told him that all his
>master copyrights were about to revert to the true owners, the artists. But
>never mind that now. Then I could stick those stupid artists with at least
>50% of the independent-promotion costs, even though they had nothing to do
>with allowing that practice to become institutionalized. For an encore, I
>could whack 'em again with "free goods," packaging deductions, video costs,
>etc., etc., ad infinitum.
>
>"Sit your temperamental, flaky, naive ass down here, artist. Disgruntled
>about your deal after your third album sold 5 million copies? Sure, we'll
>renegotiate with you. We'll just give you what basically amounts to your
>own money, which we've been holding in the pipeline and collecting interest
>on, but we're also gonna start the clock all over again and tack on three
>more albums at the end so that you're essentially starting all over again.
>It's a beautiful thing. You're gonna love it here-for the rest of your
>career, which actually could be over in five minutes, but hey, that's not
>our problem (we own your master copyrights, you boob). So you can just sell
>the house in the hills and go back to that crappy little town you came
>from, and the world 'will not long remember what we did here, etc...' We'll
>just write off any losses we may have incurred (although we really haven't
>incurred any). It's just the cost of doing business. Then we'll proceed to
>the next gullible sap with a dream. You came from diddlysquat, and you'll
>get used to diddlysquat again.
>
>"Meanwhile, here at media-mogul headquarters, we've got to lock up the
>house in Santa Barbara, as well as the one in the Hamptons (plus the
>vacation pad in Acapulco) and rush off to get the corporate jet serviced.
>It's in dire need of a tune-up after all those trips to France, and the new
>one won't be delivered until we find the next Flavor-of-the-Month and bring
>in some serious profits (or prophets-we could really use either). After
>all, we've got to fund our mass-production assembly line somehow. You
>know-all the crap we sign just because some 21-year-old A&R man tells us
>it's brilliant. You can't expect us to sacrifice our bottom line just for
>the sake of culture. We don't give a shit about culture. That kind of
>starry-eyed idealism doesn't fit in with our plan for world domination,
>much less the plans of our board of directors and our major stockholders.
>We've got quarterly reports to file, and we've got a 90%-plus failure rate
>that screams out, 'We don't know what the fuck we're doing.''' ("Gentlemen,
>gentlemen! We've got to protect our phony baloney jobs!" -Mel Brooks,
>Blazing Saddles)
>
>"I mean, who would have thought those freakin' hillbillies would have sold
>over 3 million albums and won five Grammys!? And no tits, no ass, no
>cursing, no nothing! Just...uh... musicianship and soulfulness. We don't
>get it. Is there something we're missing? Is there some hunger out there
>for authenticity? We're so confused!"
>
>Meanwhile, back in the real world: In order to finally settle these
>escalating disputes between artists and the record companies with the
>dignity and class indicative of these times, I have come up with a plan.
>Hilary Rosen and I will engage in a bout of nude mud wrestling, which will
>be broadcast on that paragon of good taste, the Fox Network (if Fox doesn't
>want it, then we'll do it on The WB). If I win, she has to sleep with Zach
>Horowitz. If she wins, I have to purchase a lifetime subscription to HITS
>magazine-and actually read it.
>
>
>Love and kisses,
>
>Don Henley
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