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(TV) Words from the Grammys



Ibm late.  I figured if I am going to review this thing then I should be there, to take in the sounds, the smells and hopefully a lot of liquor.  I call my agent and he arranges Grammy ticets and my flight schedule.  As this is a last miunute decision have have to fly the milk run as we call it in Canada.  Not sure what you people refer to it as, either way, itbs a long fucking way around.  

I drove to Moose jaw, caught a connection to Winnipeg via a stopover in Calgary then down to Minnesota for a three hour layover.  Four Miller lights and a Marlboro outside, I catch my connecting flight and am finally I am in the city that wonbt sleep tonight and I have three hours to burn.  I decided to take the city bus to the show and used my blackberry for directions, damn you Google maps, became hopelessly lost.  

I arrive and show the door man my special VIP pass and he ushers me to my seat, just in time to catch Mr. Al Green and some twit singing acappella to intro the song of the year.  Cold Play wins and are happy, bRadio Head light my arseb the guy from Cold Play with no name screams with glee as he looks directly at Thom Yorke.  

Kid Rock hits the stage, he is splendidly dressed in a black derby, similar to mine, except his is more in the style of Cadburybs from Richie Rich comics, the one he adorned when they went for a cab ride.  Ritchie, if I recall, had odd feet, white boots, shorts and a suit jacket.  Money doesnbt buy style and Kid Rock has not learned this with his suit coat and black jeans.  I am not a big fan of his and there seems to be a ruckus going on backstage, I decide to go check it out.

Nothing good can come of this, Cold Play and Radio Head are about to square off, 
bWhat did you say to me you fookin wankerb Thom Yorke screams at the head cold play guy, 
b Fook youb  Mr. cold Play responds, bWe ave the fookin song of the year, you are cold Play liteb
bAh come on mateb and exasperated Thom Yorke spits out, bya canbt even come up with your own fookin tags.b  Suddenly the guy from Blink 182 shows up and tries to be the peacemaker by announcing that he is an American.  A soccer fight breaks out and Thom Yorke and the guy from Cold Play lay a beating on Blink 182.  Suddenly, Paul McCartney appears, bGive peace a chanceb he says as he casually walks by.  Thom and Cold stop the beating, bDidnbt Lennon say that mate?b bNo, I think it was Ringob&b  Confused, they return to their respective camps.  Beck hurries in and lays his healing scientology hands onto Blink 182, bBy the power of Ron L. Hubbard, you shall be saved.b  Nothing happens until the paramedics come, fortunately itbs just a bad wing.  Blink 182 is fitted for a sling and given a pain killer.  They did not do a med reconciliation first though so he will probably be dead in the morning due to an adverse drug event from
 the home remedies he is likely taking.  Hopefully he will just puke a lot and learn some sort of a lesson.  

Blink in a sling, is off to the stage to present best Rock record of the year.  He struggles to open the envelope due to the sling but manages to fight through the glue on the envelope, the scent reminds him of better times.  And the winner is, bCold Play?b  What on earth has rock come to these days?  Kid Rock, a nominee and former rapper, looks pissed.  Bet if he runs into Tommy Lee and Pamela tonight webll have another fight on our hands.  She broke that poor manbs heart, he left his soul on that album and was beaten by Cold Play.  Actually, I have no idea what he did on that album, never heard it, never even knew he had a new one out for that matter.  

Craig bwho always looks drunkb Ferguson comes out and rambles out some English nonsense about Manchester vs United, how drew Carey was a prick then introduces Katie Perry, whom he calls a bthespianb or something.  You know, itbs bad enough that these foreigners butcher the Canadian Queens English when sober, but adding booze to the mix is just wrong.  I make a note to discuss this with the Governor General when I get back home. 

Katie Perry comes out wearing a short short skirt and absolutely rocks the place with I kissed a girl.  Itbs actually not that bad of a song when the Shania Twain production isnbt there.  She starts with a wail that reminds me of a young and bald Sinead OConnor (remember when she was referred to as bShithead ObConnorb) Loud guitars, vocals go off key a bit and shebs wearing a short short skirt.  If I was a psychic I would tell you that this was the best performance of the night, but I am not a psychic so webll call this foreshadowing.  

Next up, Kayne west with someone and they sing a really poppy, flitty song.  Rap finally meets Stereolab.  Katie Perry was way more edgy and came across far more dangerous than Kayne.  I also learned that Kayne is pronounced like the pepper not the old man walking stick.  

Next award: Best new artist.  Hooray, itbs that funny fat girl from Simply Fabulous.   She beat out the virgin Jonas Brothers who were lambasted by the host of the MTV awards (as was George W), Duffy and some other artists.  

Kenny Chesney strolls onto the stage, at first I thought it was Chad Kroeger from Nicklback but it isnbt.  Time for a stretch, rumour has it Bono is here somewhere.

Oh, they are about to announce record of the year, Alison and someone else win.  Damn I am backstage.  Alison Krause?  Wasnbt she in Yaz?  Now the song Move Out is going through my head.  I get back to my seat and some fat guy, some deranged guy and some woman do not thank anyone and leave the stage.  These acceptance speeches are way short.  I think Bono ruined the Grammybs for everyone when he used to go on and on about world peace, donate to charity, how great he was, politics, home renos, the edge, movies, and anything else that popped into his Ritalin free mind.  Sure Bono is a jackass but I would rather listen to him speak then most of the music that has been performed here thus far.  

Speaking of which, MIA takes the stage, very pregnany and wearing a hideous outfit that reallygives the visual of how pregnant she is.  Up next, Paul  McCartney with Dave Grohl.  Dave Grohl was on Robot Chicken where he was recruited by Mr T to help him beat up bFoobsb because he was a Foo fighter. 

Best Pop Vocal: John Mayer.  I got nothing here.
Jack Black and his Father and Law come on.  Jack is wearing a black derby, like Cadburys.  Bono wore the same hat 5 years ago and now it has finally caught on.  Bono is truly a visionary, and my best friend.  Where the hell is he anyways?

Adele, from Simply Fabulous, is up singing Chasing Pavements along with some country yodeler.  Stephen Malkmus is sitting at home having the epiphany of who that stalker was.  

Here comes the president of the RIAA.  The history of music can now be seen through the lens of the grammys at the Grammy History museum.   Itbs about time because only good, history making music wins Grammy awards.  Fuck off you little vanilla man, just fuck off.  Whew, that felt good.

Now that I have vented herebs Radio Head playing with a Marching Band.  Someone yells bCold Playb and Thom freaks out, he throws the fat kid through the bass drum and calls the audience a pack of fookin Yanks.  Cold Play are ducking and giggling.  

Lil wayne comes on and does a tribute to saving New Orleans then wins rap album of the year.  I am seeing a trend here, play a song, win an award.  I think this thing might be rigged, I am going to have to find that little RIAA guy and get to the bottom of this.  Then he wins Rap album of the year.

Album of the Year: Not quite sure I get the record of the year and album of the year, why are there two separate awards for the same thing?  Anyways, Nickleback, who won 5 Junos are not nominated.  They have made 6 or 7 albums full of the exact same song.  That is Grammy material to me or is it too original?  The YAz reunion band wins!  Did I mention that they had just finished playing, play a song, win a trophy.  This is crap, I put on my Derby and I am leaving.  I guess it is fitting that the same band win Album and Record of the year.  Is there really any need for both, I thought they just had both awards to subdue Cold Head and Radio Play, cause they really are the same band.  Ah this sucks and I've wasted a significant portion of my life on this crap (not to mention that I am now commiteed to typing it up, well that takes 5 minutes)

I get to the back exit and there he is, Bono.
bAh Greg, that was utter bollocksb
bSure wasb
Drink mateb
bsounds good I say, the Holiday Inn has a nice Business Casual loungeb and we are off.
On our way there, I look over to Bono, my close and personal friend, "I can't do this again."  Bono looks back, "I hear you brother, I hear you."  we grab a couple of beers from Bono's limo fridge as we are driven off to our destination, not really sure where it is or how long it will take to get there, like a dream filtering through deep dark clouds we escape off into oblivion, like a drunken man trapped in a traffic loop, around and around...then Bono lights up, "we should hit the Grammy Museum tommorrow", "Cool" I say. 
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