(TV) greg at the grammys

[g grant <grntg@yahoo.com>]

Greg at the Grammys : A real time critique (Note-Not
spell checking artists names)

Damn they already started.  No wonder those dinner
theatre critic gigs for the local paper never panned
out.  What?s going on here?  Oh theres Bono singing
Beautiful Day.  I like U2 for some reason.  I was the
first one in my high school to have the salad bowl
haircut.  I took the jacket from Boy to the barber and
had him style my doo after Bonos.  Hey now they are
winning an award.  Please don?t speak Bono Vox, you?re
an idiot.

Alright, it?s Sheryl Crow and Shelby.  Sheesh the way
they are dressed they must have just completed their
Trailer Park 2001 tour.  Shelby is wearing tight, low
slung leather pants and has a better beer gut then me.
 Lay off that imported Canadian beer eh Shelby? 
Sheryl?s ass looks like a bag of cement.  Well their
acoustic yowl is over and they are announcing an
award.  Hey it?s U2 again.

Edge is saying how great things are and Bono?s
pointing.  Fuck off Bono.

A 20 second spot of the no one cares awards and we are
off to a commercial break?lots of community freebie
ads.  Perhaps advertisers are onto this.

Back on:  Moby, Jill and Blue Men Group.  Are those
blue guys the green guys from the IBM ads?  The blue
guys are playing tubes.  If those tubes were so great
why do they have 3, no 4 drummers?  Pere Ubu only had
two drummers and these guys are no Pere Ubu.  Emmylou
Harris stands and cheers as if to say ?see everyone,
I?m a fan and I?m still relevant and hip to the
scene.?

Ritchie Sambora announces a great band can change the
world.  Well not tonight as Shelby wins an award. 
Sisqou was a nominee.  Did he not tell Regis on rock
star millionaire that his name was now Dragon or
something?  Shelby says after 13 albums I ?git? an
award.  She is so COOL!  Oh get me to HMV.com right
now, I have some shoppin? to do.  

More winners we don?t care about for some jazz albums
in sub-script as they announce upcoming acts. 
Branford won a few.  Did he release the only jazz
album this year.  Oh crap I should not have mentioned
jazz as three people just unsubscribed.  Did Bono win
a spoken word award?

Nina and Take Six sing Nat King Cole and 12 bars in
I?m changing the channel.  On Ripley?s Believe It or
Not, Brenda Fox, a performance artist, is feeding
worms to her fans during one of her show worms.  Oh
that is so GG Allin!  I bet GG was never on the, that
corporate fascist owners team got his ass kicked by
the Jays, Ripley's network.

Back to Grammy?s ? A televised jazz award.  After mass
confusion they realise Dianne Reaves is a no show.  Oh
the awards committee forgot to send her bus fare.

More awards in the no one cares categories.

Oh oh, I am fading in and out of conciousness?Bono?s
voice snaps me back to awake land.  They won what,
band or album of year.  Shut-up Bono.  Great, the Edge
is yipping nonsense again

Upcoming: Eminim featuring Elton John?Okay, do tough
urban gangsters hang out with fat, bald, touppee
wearing middle aged men?  Hardly. There is so much
material here?

Gloria Estafan is wearing electrical tape across her
nipples.  I?m surprised the nursing home let her out
like this.

The next half hour: more crap, more crap and more
crap.  Some Canadian playing piano, as if 99% of the
audience cares, what?  Was not Bryan Adams available. 
Robbie Robertson shuts out Val Kilmer, who is sporting
a Match Box 20 do.

More commercials, eventually Dolly Parton is singing
and the banjo is just hummin away.  Perhaps Television
would have won a Grammy if Verlaine and Lloyd would
have had a guitar-banjo duel.  Bet they couldn't agree
on who would play the banjo.

After Dolly's song the whole show degenerates into a
Hee Haw re-run.

Greg out


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