Honey, I'm Not Going To Stand Here And Debate The Merits Of The First Two
B-52's LPs In Front Of The Whole Supermarket
* By William T. Mayhew *
January 27, 2011 | ISSUE 4704<http://www.theonion.com/issue/4704/>
Honey. Please. Just drop it. I'm serious, I'm not doing this with you now.
We're in the bread aisle of the Food Lion, for God's sake. I'm not going to
get sucked in to another one of these stupid arguments again. Not *now*,
okay? Not *here*. No, I'm telling you, I don't want to hear anything about
the gimmickry of retro '60s hairdos or guy-girl fractured-pop ensembles,
certainly not from someone who worships the Cramps, understand? So just
People are staring. Could you please lower your voice? Honey, if you think
I'm going to stand here in the middle of this supermarket and debate you on
the validity of the first two B-52's LPs, then you are *sorely mistaken*.
"Why not?" I'll tell you why not: Because everybody with even half a sense
of the post-punk/new-wave aesthetic can tell you that there is NO debating
this subject, that's why. Hello? "Rock Lobster"? "Planet Claire has pink
air"? Any of this ringing a bell, Mrs. Self-Declared
GA-Underground-Scene? I suppose they were playing CBGB's in 1978 because
they WEREN'T cool? Unbelievable. Where's the goddamn coupon for the
applesauce? Well, you had it last
What? Do not bring Ricky Wilson into this. His alternate guitar tunings were
more than just a way to cover for the group's lack of a bassist; they were
absolutely integral to the driving, rhythmic sound of the band, and you *
know* it. Derivative of Robert Fripp, my ass. The guy played session dates
for Tom Verlaine, for crying out loud. Look, I know what you're doing, and
it's not going to work. So drop it. What's the next thing on the list?
Cheerios. Just help me find the Cheerios so we can
What do you mean, "Fuck the Cheerios?" Honey, listen to me, the sooner we
get out of here, the sooner you'll stop embarrassing yourself in front of a
store full of strangers with your inappropriate behavior and ill-informed
opinions on novelty-rock revivalism. Okay? So go find the Cheerios.
"LOVE Shack"? Why would you even bring UP "Love Shack"? That was an MTV hit
in, like, 1989. That is completely outside the range of this discussion,
honey. Unless we're talking about a recording where the name Chris Blackwell
or Rhett Davies is listed after the word "producer," then it's totally
irrelevant. And that includes 1982's David Byrneproduced *Mesopotamia* EP.
Why can't you get that through your head? Maybe if you weren't so goddamn
stubborn all the time
Oh, *I'm* the stubborn one? Great. I'm the stubborn one. Ha, that's a laugh.
Uh, excuse me, hypocrite-check in aisle four? Who was the one who kept
insisting last Thanksgiving that that stupid "You're not the only flame"
songwhich was a duet with DARYL HALL for chrissakeswas a legit Elvis
Costello single? Huh? Who was that again? You ruined Thanksgiving for
For the last time, we are dropping this NOW. That security guard is looking
at us. No, sir, we're fine. No need to call the manager. My wife here is
just a little stressed out. And doesn't know anything about call-and-
response-based American underground bands. Thank you. Carry on.
Okay, honey, we need milk
WHAT? What did you just say? You're actually claiming Fred Schneider can't
carry a tune? Oh, now you've just lost it. I hope they sell antipsychotics
in this store, because you have gone right out of your mind. Could DARBY
CRASH carry a tune? Could Mark E. fucking SMITH? So the man's a shouter.
What does that have to do with legitimacy as a rock and roll vocalist? Yes,
the B-52's are a rock band, dearyes, it's "dance" music, but I would
I KNOW they combined surf-rock retro with early pop kitsch! I KNOW that! Why
would you even feel the need to tell me that? That was the whole idea, you
Can I finish my sentence? Are you gonna let me FINISH my fucking SENTENCE?
Are you gonnaoh. Okay then. No, no, go ahead. I'll just stand here next to
the English muffins and listen to you do all the B-52's talking, then. You
always do anyway, so go ahead. I'm listening.
Great. Your old standby about how I like Warren Zevon. We're back to his
self-titled second LP again, are we? Yes, dear, I realize the Eagles did the
backing vocals on "The French Inhaler." That doesn't mean it's not a classic
record! JESUS! NO, you are not roping me into DEFENDING the Eagles, okay?
You've pulled that one too many times, sweetieTOO many TIMES!
Look, final word, and then I'm pushing this cart over to the produce
section, with or without you. The first two B-52's LPsyes, BOTH of themare
CLASSIC FUCKING RECORDS and EVERYBODY who has ANY taste in music AT ALL
knows that and this is NOT something I am going to fucking DEBATE with you
or anyone else in this store. END of discussion. END OF DISCUSSION, Helen!
FINE! YOU do the goddamn shopping, then! I'm going to the car. And YES, I
will be CRANKING "Quiche Lorraine" on the stereo when you get there and I'd
better not hear ONE WORD from you about it or I swear to God you are never
borrowing any of my remastered Robert Wyatt reissues EVER again! GODDAMMIT!
EVERY FUCKING TIME WITH YOU, woman! Congratulations, Helen! YOU WIN! Are you
happy now? YOU WIN AGAIN!
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