(TV) OFF TOPIC BUT SURELY WORTH IT

["Nick Powell" <nick@powelln.freeserve.co.uk>]

Sorry this is nothing to with TV but thought it was very funny and some of
the blues fans here might enjoy it. Favourite bit is the name combinations
at the end:
Cheers

HOW TO SING THE BLUES

 1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning."

 2. "I got a good woman," is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick
something nasty in the next line:  "I got a good woman with the meanest dog
in town."

 3. The Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it.
Then find something that rhymes ... sort of:  "Got a good woman with the
meanest dog in town.  He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and he weigh 500
pound."

 4. The Blues are not about limitless choice.

 5. Blues cars are Chevys and Cadillacs. The Blues cannot travel in Volvos,
BMWs, Toyotas, or any sport-utility vehicles.  Other acceptable Blues
transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train; jet aircraft and
state-sponsored motor pools are out of the question.  Walkin' plays a major
part in the blues lifestyle.  So does fixin' to die.

 6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. Adults sing the Blues. Blues
"adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a
man in Memphis.

 7. You can have the Blues in New York City, but not in Hamilton Ontario,
or Vancouver B.C. Hard times in Saskatchewan or Nova Scotia is just
depression.  Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places
to have the Blues.

 8. The following colors do not belong in the Blues:

   a. violet
   b. beige
   c. mauve

 9. You can't have the Blues in an office or a shopping mall.  The lighting
is wrong.

 10. Good places for the Blues:

   a. the highway
   b. the jailhouse
   c. an empty bed

Bad places:

   a. Ashrams
   b. gallery openings
   c. Ivy League institutions

 11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, unless you
happen to be an old black man, and you slept in it.

 12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?

Yes, if:

   a. your first name is a southern state -- like Georgia
   b. you're blind
   c. you shot a man in Memphis
   d. you can't be satisfied

No, if:

   a. you were once blind but now can see
   b. you're deaf
   c. you have a retirement plan or trust fund

 13. Neither Celine Dion nor Anne Murray can sing the Blues.

 14. If you ask for water and Baby gives you gasoline, it's the Blues.
Other acceptable Blues beverages are:

   a. wine
   b. whiskey or bourbon
   c. muddy water
   d. black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages:

   a. any mixed drink
   b. any wine kosher for Passover
   c. Snapple (all flavors)

 15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death.
Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die.  So is
the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an
emergency room.  It is not a Blues death if you die during a golf
tournament or while receiving liposuction treatment.

 16. Some Blues names for women:

   a. Sadie
   b. Big Mama
   c. Bessie

 17. Some Blues names for men:

   a. Joe
   b. Willie
   c. Little Willie
   d. Big Willie

 18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, and Rainbow will not
bepermitted to sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

 19. Other Blues names (starter kit):

   a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
   b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
   c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc.





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